21 Parents, don’t be hard on your children. If you are, they might give up.
Col 3:21 (CEV)
To parent is to love, protect, educate and guide our children towards a functional and mature adulthood. Parenting is particularly challenging in the sphere of sexuality and pornography where the biblical position is often countercultural and where the society is saturated with internet access. Internet pornography is highly prevalent, available, and contains violent content and dysfunctional messages about sexuality and relationships. Our section on the harms of pornography are particularly confronting, but we urge parents to be familiar with the research on how it effects people, including children.
When thinking about teaching healthy sexuality and the harms of pornography, it’s important to remember:
Christian Sexuality Values
The overarching Christian values we try to teach our children are:
- to be loving and wise
- to treat others as we would like to be treated
- to make wise, life-giving decisions.
When it comes to sexuality, Christian values are shaped by the Bible’s teachings that:
- Men and women are designed to have sexual urges and a desire for intimacy.
- Marriage is the context for sexual activity and is for pleasure, bonding and procreation.
- Men and women are made in the image of God and equally deserve respect.
Start communicating and modeling these intimate relational facts and values to your children at an early age. Once your child internalises these values, they will find it easier to understand the harms of pornography.
Authoritative (not Authoritarian) Parenting Style
This approach to parenting alongside. When it comes to teaching your children about porn and sexuality, you’ll find that an authoritative, not authoritarian parenting style is more effective. So what is an authoritative style? This style of parenting:
- is characterised by warm and close relationships
- has explicit expectations and boundaries
- clearly communicates the reasons for these boundaries in an age-appropriate way
- understands and empowers children
- doesn’t blame and shame
- ensures your child knows that there is nothing so bad they could do, intentionally or accidentally, that they couldn’t tell you about
A close relationship where saying yes is frequent in other areas means that an off-limits policy about pornography is more likely to be respected. Compulsive pornography use has been linked to other mental health issues, so attending to our children’s overall wellbeing can protect them from problematic porn use.
The Digital Context
Ours is a digital world. The challenges parents face with pornography is just one subset of the larger issue of digital management, health and safety. The human brain is wired to experience arousal, novelty, connection and achievement through pleasurable bursts of dopamine. Our brains are wired to repeatedly seek out these pleasurable stimuli and situations, but in real life, these situations and ‘brain rewards’ are only occasional. Hence the draw of the constant stimulation of the internet in general and of highly arousing easily accessible pornography in particular.
In order to respond to the potential harms of pornography, some realities of technology need to be addressed, including:
- time spent with technology
- supervision and limits
- the difficulty of managing access to devices at home, school and other mobile devices.
The challenge of exposure to material on less well-regulated mobile devices belonging to friends needs also to be considered.
Wider Societal Context
Increasingly children’s access to hardcore pornography is recognized as a public health issue which the media, government and schools are seeking to address. There are more resources becoming available to assist parents to respond as well as the potential for concerned parents to influence relevant government policy and legislation.
Habit Formation, Compulsion and Addiction
To parent our children in the sphere of pornography we need an understanding of how habit-forming pornography is especially when coupled with the relaxation of masturbation. Understanding this will ensure we’re more vigilant about preventing porn exposure and usage, and more compassionate and effectively responsive if porn is being used.
Our own experience with pornography
Parenting can prompt us to more closely examine our own experiences of pornography, past or present. Recognising the critical role our own parents played in the formation of our habits can help us reflect on our own digital management patterns.
Prayer and the Community of Faith
We do not parent alone. We have God’s wisdom in the Scriptures to guide us, and prayer to help us. We can also draw on the support and experience of other parents and professionals within our congregations. Our children benefit from belonging to a faith community where they are known and have the wisdom of other Christian adults.
Secular Resources
Talk Soon, Talk Often A comprehensive guide for parents talking to kids about sex – including pornography. WA. Department of Health
Raising Children Network Sexuality and pornography information and parenting for all ages. Aust. Gov. Department of Social Services
Australian Institute of Family Studies review into current pornography
Office of the eSafety Commissioner Aust. Gov. website provides information and tools to help young people have safe positive experiences online
Its Time we Talked resources to assist parents deal with pervasive pornography
Authoritative Parenting Diana Baumrind’s timeless parenting model
The Prince Boofhead Syndrome Michael Carr-Gregg on parenting adolescent boys
Sex Ed Rescue resources to help parents talk about sex with their children
Good picture Bad Pictures Porn proofing today’s young kids
Educational Seminars: Liz Walker, Glen Gerreyn, David Kobler, Merilyn Buckley
Faith Based Resources
Porn Harms Kids Report 2017 A 3 Year Action Plan for a Community response to the harms of Pornography
Digital Cocaine Brad Huddleston webinar - brain impact of screen over use
Teen Sex by the Book by Dr Patricia Weerakoon
Growing up by the Book answering sex, relationships, gender and identity questions for 10-14 year olds Dr Patricia Weerakoon
Birds and the Bees by the Book a series to assist parents of 7-10 year old talk about sex, relationships, gender and identity by Dr Patricia Weerakoon
Pornography and Masturbation in Men of Honour by Glen Gerreyn
Love, Sex and Dating 4 part series by Pastor Andy Stanley addresses topic of porn
Youth Works Fervr offers helpful ideas on sex, dating and pornography
Pure Intimacy Focus on the Family resources for developing healthy sexuality including a response to pornography – older but solid material
Culture Reframed provides research driven education to prevent, resist and heal the harm of pornography
Porn Harms Kids provides research and support for parents of children and teens for protecting from and responding to pornography harms
Fight the New Drug provides a clear understanding of the harmful affects of porn and offers resources
Radio Hope 103.2 offers a range of articles and interviews on pornography
Educational Seminars: Glen Gerreyn, Patricia Weerakoon ( see Teens, Sex & Technology Seminar), David Kobler, Merilyn Buckley, Liz Walker
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Information, questions and ideas are sometimes quoted in exact form or in concept from many of the resources listed at the end of each section.
Teenaged boys aged 12-17 years are the most at-risk demographic, requiring particular vigilance. Look out for:
- Prominent changes in your child’s usual patterns of mood, language, demeanor and behaviour which cannot be explained by illness, tiredness, bullying or stressful events
- Unaccounted for blocks of time. Your child could be in the habit of ‘toggling’ between homework, playing video games and watching videos which could include porn.
- Increased lying or secretive behaviour – increase in shut doors, shutting devices suddenly, too many or more than usual late nights
- Money or credit cards stolen or reset passwords
- Increased anxiety, more irritable or depressed moods and a reduced concentration capacity
- Withdrawal from activities or loss of interest in those previously enjoyed
- Nightmares, wetting the bed or experiencing similar stress symptoms
- Significantly increased unexplained time in bathroom
- Talking about sexual things too advanced for their age
- Marked or sudden increased evidence of masturbation
- Sexual behaviour towards siblings or other children
If you suspect your child is watching porn, you might bring up the topic in age-appropriate ways, for example a news story you read or saw, or an incidence a friend told you about. Your questions could include:
- I read/ saw this story about porn recently. Are any kids at your school watching porn?
- Have you yourself ever viewed porn?
- If yes:
- Did you view it accidentally or intentionally?
- Where did you see it?
- If intentionally:
- When did you start?
- Are you still doing it?
- How often do you view it, and for how long?
- When did you notice you started seeking more images for arousal?
- When was the last time you viewed it?
If you child is viewing porn please go to questions 7, 8, 9 and 10 for more information on how to respond.
Secular Resources
American Osteopathic Association possible signs a child is watching porn
Addiction Hope Ministries signs and symptoms of porn addiction
Raising Children Government Parenting Website – helpful guidelines for talking to children of all ages about pornography
Initiating the Conversation when you know your child has seen porn
Conversation with a 9 year old A father – son talk in the internet age
Faith Based Resources
Guidelines for Parents of Children from Culture Reframed
Guidelines for Parents of Teens from Culture Reframed
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Information, questions and ideas are sometimes quoted in exact form or in concept from many of the resources listed at the end of each section.
Anything that steals your freedom, steals your joy.
Porn: the silent killer of the spirit.
In short, porn use enhances masturbation and ‘feels good’ which is why people use it. But how did your child start? And are there any other reasons they might be using it?
How did it start?
If your child is intentionally watching porn, they may have begun in a few ways:
- accidental exposure online
- hormonally-driven sexual curiosity
- a desire for exploration and education
- Exposure by someone else, possibly:
- a sibling, relative or acquaintance;
- friend, friend’s sibling, relative or acquaintance;
- boyfriend or girlfriend;
- online gaming connection or someone they “met” on social media
- part of group “entertainment” at an unsupervised hang out, gathering, party or sleepover
- believing that everyone is doing it
- to enhance sexual experience with a girlfriend or boyfriend
Why porn?
Porn is commonly used as an escape for a number of different problems which may be affecting your child. Porn can be used to:
- numb emotional pain
- self-sooth and calm anxiety
- manage frustrations and anger
- alleviate depression
- distract from everyday life stresses or problems
- distract from loneliness and isolation
- alleviate boredom
Your child may be using porn as an alternative to real-life sex, because it’s:
- a more viable option than than sex outside of marriage for a Christian teen,
- less emotionally demanding
- no chance of disease or pregnancy
- less guilt than real life sex
- more arousing and more variety
- to avoid sexual tension with real-life partner
Your child might wish to stop using porn, but isn’t able to on their own. To help your child resist the temptation, you can:
- talk soon and talk often about sexual matters, asking and answering age appropriate questions
- encourage positive self-soothing/calming behaviours such as hobbies, physical activity, playing music or reading
- Know where your children are at all times and the nature of the adult supervision – especially for unsupervised after school time, sleepovers, gatherings and parties
- have a discussion about masturbation, sexual tension and healthy release from your personal experience and wisdom perspective. Most people have to settle their sexual tension management and for your teen to understand this early and feel normal about it is helpful.
How can I broach the subject?
It’s vital that children get good information about sexuality from you so they aren’t tempted to go looking for it elsewhere. If you know that porn and masturbation is a problem for your child, this discussion about healthy sexual tension management is even more important.
- The topic of masturbation and pornography is perhaps best raised by the same sex parent. If you are a single parent with an opposite sex child, perhaps a relative or trusted older friend could give wise counsel to your child in this area.
- Discussion can springboard from a TV show, song reference that makes reference to porn and/or masturbation.
- You can also refer your child to a chapter in a book, a web article or video (for recommendations, see our resources)
- Request the broad subject of sexuality and relationships be covered at your church’s youth group with particular reference to a healthy and wise approach to handling it.
Secular Material
Why teens watch porn Fox News reports survey results
Porn as Sex Education Telegraph News
Youth Beyond Blue Brave Program resources for building resilience, self-soothing and dealing with depression and anxiety
Faith Based Resources
Purity in a Pornified World in Teen Sex by the Book by Dr Patricia Weerakoon
Pornography and Masturbation in Men of Honour by Glen Gerreyn
Questions and Concerns about masturbation from Focus on the Family
Masturbation and pornography: differing Christian perspectives
Deseret News teens use porn to self sooth (Mormon)
Masturbation Draft Discussion Paper Diocesan TRP 2017 Patricia Weerakoon
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Information, questions and ideas are sometimes quoted in exact form or in concept from many of the resources listed at the end of each section.
Until our children are old enough to protect themselves, we’re their protectors from everything from traffic, to waves at the beach. It’s critical that we likewise protect our children’s minds and hearts from the impact of violent and explicit pornographic images. To lessen the likelihood of accidental exposure:
- Discuss a family media plan with your children – get them on board with the content, contact and conduct reasons for care being taken
- Apply internet filtering software to all household internet enabled devices – computers, laptops, iPads and phones
- Set up a kids-safe search engine like Google Kiddle
- Know what your child is viewing on any kind of screen or internet enabled device including YouTube, Netflix, social media, music videos as these can all have pornographic content
- Good screen rules and habits: door open, not when sleeping, watch in public rooms, parents can check social media and internet search history, no hidden apps on phone
- Model limited screen time and content. Some TV series have many scenes which are pornographic. Older teens will be aware of this.
- Warn children in age-appropriate ways that sometimes there might be things on screens that make them feel uncomfortable. Assure them that they can turn it off, tell you about it and they won’t be in trouble.
- Role play with your child how they can say ‘No’ if a friend or acquaintance asks if they want to see porn videos or pictures. First, ask your child if they have any ideas on what they could say, and then practice it. Some responses could include:
- Thanks but no thanks - I don’t want to watch that.
- I have respect for women like my mum and sisters and don’t want to see women treated like that
- I’m not into that lifestyle!
- I don’t want to watch filmed prostitution.
- That’s fake sex and I don’t want to watch it.
- I’m not into violence against women.
- I’ve seen a film about how the some of the women in porn are treated so I don’t want to watch it.
- I don’t want that in my head.
- Be aware of your friends’, other families and neighbours’ screen and internet practices
- Be aware that as children get older internet filtering software is not likely to be effective in preventing their access to porn, however, filters can still make accidental exposure less likely
- Think carefully about what age your child is allowed to have a Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat account, as pornographic material can often come unfiltered through these channels.
- Discourage lying about age to set up online accounts.
- Support the advocacy for age verification measures in Australia, so porn sites are required to use credit cards to prove users’ age.
- Aim to raise “screenagers” who are educated and internally motivated to choose not to intentionally access porn and able to critically assess and deflect porn that is seen accidentally.
General material
Office of the eSafety Commissioner – Australian government resources
Social Media Risks ABC news
The Cyber Safety Lady education and resources
Common Sense Media reviews of movie/TV series/ video games content
Its Time we Talked tips for parents protecting children
Psychologist interview and article overview protecting kids from porn: 103.2
Good picture Bad Pictures Porn proofing today’s young kids
Porn site age verification measures Porn Harms Kids charity advocacy
Collective Shout Tips for parents for online safety
Internet Safety Strategies Raising Children parenting website
Porn Harms Kids Report 2017 A 3 Year Action Plan for A Community response to the harms of Pornography
Child Safe Search Sites
Kiddle Google safe visual search engine for children
YouTube Kids Google app
Internet filters and Parental Controls
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Information, questions and ideas are sometimes quoted in exact form or in concept from many of the resources listed at the end of each section.
Is porn addictive?
How do you stop a porn addiction?
What factors push people to keep watching porn?
Is porn bad for you? Does it have any negative effects?
Do girls watch porn?
Why do men use aggressive porn?
How much is too much porn?
Does porn affect my social skills?
What is the legal age to watch porn?
Why do boys watch porn so much?
Boys want us to look and act like porn stars.
Why do boys think lesbians are hot?
We are not sex objects to be used.
Is three-way sex OK?
Why are boys asking for anal all the time?
What does anal sex feel like?
Why is sex so public these days?
Why do boys always ask us to send nudes?
Research from Totally Smart Seminar Surveys: Yr 9 boys & Yr 10/12 girls questions and concerns
Past a certain age, our children become their own protectors, through self-control and discipline. Educating and motivating our children to protect themselves from porn will help them as they get older.
Discussions with our children about pornography don’t happen in a vacuum, nor do they always happen easily. Conversations are often difficult and embarrassing for parents and children.
What is a good conversation about pornography?
Constructive conversations about pornography are:
- age-appropriate,
- pre-emptive and positive
- repeated over many years
- focused on the benefits of relationship-based sexuality, and the negative consequences of sexually risky activities.
Christians teach that sex is best enjoyed in the context of a committed married relationship with love, trust, communication and respect.
Understanding this ideal of sexuality helps children to critically reflect on pornography and provides them with a buffer to disturbing encounters with porn. Information about healthy sexuality can be communicated to our children directly in conversation in the context of day to day events while doing something else, such as walking, driving or doing chores. Alongside direct discussions, helpful books, online articles, websites can be brought to the attention of our children so they can think about it privately. It may even be worth rewarding them if they read material you think essential. Education about harms in any area—smoking, sunburn, gambling, drinking is shown to be protective against enacting harmful activities.
When should I discuss pornography with my child?
Specific discussions about porn, if they have not arisen already, are best before the end of primary school or the beginning of high school. This is because many children are given an internet enabled phone at this time, and even though you may be vigilant about internet filters, not all families do likewise.
To avoid bring the subject up out of nowhere, it’s best to springboard off a news story, song lyric, magazine article, TV show or incident with a friend or relative. If you’re looking, you’ll find that opportunities arise frequently.
What do I say?
It’s helpful at the start to find out what your child already thinks and knows about pornography. You might start the conversation with:
- Does anyone you know talk about pornography at school?
- What do you know about pornography?
- Do you know people at school who look at pornography?
- Have you ever seen pornography?
- If yes, did you see it when you were with friends or by yourself?
- What did you think and feel about what you have seen?
- Do you have any questions about things you’ve seen or heard about pornography?
- Do you have any other questions about sex and relationships?
When talking to your child, remember that your job is to:
- Answer your child’s questions
- Help them process what they may have seen
- Give your child an understanding of why pornography is off-limits.
It’s important that your child is aware that pornography:
- Shows women doing things that many women don’t enjoy in reality
- Makes it look like the purpose of sex is only to satisfy men
- Presents women as sex objects
- Makes disrespectful relationships seem acceptable and normal
- Disregards overt consent
- Is not real sex, it is adult entertainment and is often actors using performance enhancing drugs whose bodies have been surgically modified.
- Sets a bad example of unsafe sex and doesn’t show the aftermath of feelings of rejection, being used, sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy
- Takes away confidence in men and women if they don’t look or perform like those in porn
- Makes painful or violent sex seem normal and desirable
- Creates an atmosphere of fear around sex
- Can trigger both positive and negative feelings, including:
- curiosity
- confusion
- disgust
- guilt
- arousal
- excitement
- relaxation
It is also helpful to present, as appropriate, any of the harmful effects outlined in Question 3. These can readily be summarized into 3 educational “hooks” to avoid or stop accessing porn.
- Pornography can affect your ability to have functional close relationships
- Pornography can damage your sexual performance
- Pornography can become a behaviour addiction and control you
Give your child the reminders that:
- Just because something is pleasurable, legal, done by others or is done in secret doesn’t mean it is good for you.
- Women are not sexual objects or toys who exist to please men
- You can’t unsee pornography - it sticks to your memory
- It’s illegal to own or share nude photos or videos of under 18-year-olds using an internet carriage service: it is child pornography and can result in arrest, court charges and imprisonment.
- A criminal record could affect future employment, travel and partnering
- You are more likely to act out what you have repeatedly rehearsed when watching porn
- People – including a boyfriend or girlfriend, or an adult – may use alcohol to lower your guard and affect your decision making about watching or making porn
- Pornographic videos of you can be used as blackmail
- Unfortunately, intimate relationships don’t always last and often end badly, so you need to be careful who you trust and say no to participating in and filming intimate activities
Secular Material
Talk Soon, Talk Often A comprehensive guide for parents talking to their kids about sex – including pornography. Government of Western Australia Department of Health
Raising Children Network Pornography information and parenting advice from the Australian Government Department of Social Services Parenting Website
Australian Institute of Family Studies review into pornography
Office of the eSafety Commissioner Australian Government website provides information and tools to help young people have safe positive experiences online
Porn Harms Kids Report 2017 A 3 Year Action Plan for A Community response to the harms of Pornography
Its Time we Talked tips for parents educating children/ teens
The Conversation: tips for talking with kids about porn
Ways to Start the Conversation about Porn Sex Ed Rescue ideas and resources
The Prince Boofhead Syndrome Michael Carr-Gregg chapter on sex and porn
Educational Seminars: Glen Gerreyn, David Kobler, Merilyn Buckley, Liz Walker
Faith Based Resources
Culture Reframed provides research driven education to prevent resist and heal the harm of pornography
Porn Harms Kids provides research and support for parents of children and teens for protecting from and responding to pornography harms
Fight the New Drug provides a clear understanding of the harmful affects of porn and offers resources
Love, Sex and Dating 4 part podcast and video series by Andy Stanley
Youth Works Fervr offers many helpful ideas on sex, dating and pornography
Put a Lid on It: Exposing the Pornography Trap a book to help parents navigate the changing online landscape by Emily Olivia
Birds and the Bees by the Book a series to assist parents of 7-10 year old talk about sex, relationships, gender and identity by Dr Patricia Weerakoon
Growing up by the Book answering sex, relationships, gender and identity questions for 10-14 year olds by Dr Patricia Weerakoon
Purity in a Pornified World in Teen Sex by the Book by Dr Patricia Weerakoon
Pornography and Masturbation in Men of Honour by Glen Gerreyn
Radio Hope 103.2 brokers a variety of helpful local articles and interviews on pornography
Educational Seminars: Glen Gerreyn, Patricia Weerakoon (see Teens, Sex & Technology Seminar), David Kobler, Liz Walker, Merilyn Buckley
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Information, questions and ideas are sometimes quoted in exact form or in concept from many of the resources listed at the end of each section.
It’s sadly common to discover that your child or teenager has seen pornography, either intentionally or by accident. You might find out about it through:
- seeing it on their screen,
- seeing their internet search history
- being told by your child/ teen directly
- being told by a sibling, another child, a friend, parent or teacher.
What to remember:
- It’s not your child’s fault that pornography is readily accessible.
- Sexual curiosity is normal.
- Pornography stirs up more complex concerns in adults than it does initially in children
- Your child will benefit from talking about it with you.
What do I do?
- Try to stay calm and don’t overreact with anger or distress—your child more likely to talk if you are relaxed.
- Be loving and understanding, avoid shaming or blaming your child..
- See it as positive you have found out now.
- If you really find it too difficult to talk with your child you can find a book or video (see all the attached resources) to share with them to either get the conversation started or make your point.
Ask questions, keep to the facts, listen and encourage honesty:
- What have they seen?
- How did they see it?
- How often have they seen it?
- How did they feel when they saw it?
- What did they think when they saw it?
- Do they have any concerns or questions?
- How do they want to respond to porn in the future?
Try and respond to their concerns and answer their questions. If you don’t know offer to find out and get back to them. Discuss age appropriate reasons why porn is harmful and thus off limits (see Question 3 and 7) Most children are often unaware of how exploitative porn is and the harms it can do to them. Remind them of your view of loving healthy relationships and sexuality. (Qn 1 and 7)
If your child does not want to be exposed to or access porn again work out an action plan or way forward. Ask them what they think would help. Installing internet filtering software plus good internet/ device hygiene habits could help prevent accidental exposure and counter temptation. (see strategies in Qn 6)
Stay close and tuned in to your child/ teen (see Qn 5) and check in with them from time to time about how the plan is going. The below COMPOSE Yourself model for responding to child or teen porn exposure or access is helpful.
If your child is unwilling or unable to stop accessing pornography see the suggestions in Qn 9 and Qn 10 and if the strategies suggested are not effective it is advisable to seek specialist professional help (your GP is a good place to start)
Secular Material
Its Time we Talked tips for responding if child has seen porn
Initiating the Conversation when you know your child has seen porn
Conversation with a 9 year old A father – son talk in the internet age
Talk Soon, Talk Often A comprehensive guide for parents talking to their kids about sex – including pornography. WA. Department of Health
Raising Children Network Pornography information and parenting advice from the Australian Government Department of Social Services Parenting Website
Porn Harms Kids Report 2017 A 3 Year Action Plan for a Community response to the harms of Pornography
Sex Ed Rescue comprehensive resources for discussion and education
Faith Based material
Go for Greatness information for protecting, talking to and responding to children about porn
Parents of Children: Culture Reframed offers information on warning signs and ways to respond if porn is viewed
Parents of Teens: Culture Reframed offers ways to communicate with teens and respond if they have seen or are using porn
COMPOSE Yourself! A model for responding if your child has viewed porn
Just 1 Click Away material for responding to challenge of porn
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Information, questions and ideas are sometimes quoted in exact form or in concept from many of the resources listed at the end of each section.
Why won’t they stop?
You’ve discovered your young person is using pornography. You’ve discussed their porn use, and they say they do not want to stop.
If they are watching porn as a strategy to manage anxiety, depression, boredom or loneliness, it’s important to ensure they develop healthier ways of managing these challenges. If this remains a problem it may be worth seeking professional intervention. A Mental Health Care Plan can be obtained from your General Practitioner, which includes a referral for up to 10 Medicare-subsidised visits to a mental health care professional.
On the other hand, your child may be unwilling to stop using porn because:
- They find it pleasurable, they believe it hurts no one and they see nothing wrong with it
- Their friends do it and talk about it
- It is a group entertainment activity
- It releases sexual tension and relaxes them
- They see it as a preferable way to manage sexual urges rather than sex with a real-life partner, to avoid diseases, pregnancy or relational complications
- They know it is not real sex, they know they are paid actors
- They know their father used porn when he was young (and may still do so)
- They know their mother reads “mummy porn” and watches pornographic shows
- They say you can’t monitor their porn use
What can I do?
If your child refuses to stop watching pornography, and lists some of the reasons above (or others), there are a number of things you can do:
- Hear them out fully and respond briefly with your concerns raised by each of their reasons.
- Use relevant research and information to help them understand the potential, current and future harms of using porn habitually.
- Provide them with books, online links and videos on the harms of pornography.
- Suggest they speak with a respected and trusted relative, mentor or suitable (and vetted) church youth worker about the possible harms of pornography use and find out how they manage their sexuality.
With access to internet enabled devices, over a certain age it’s impossible to force a young person to stop using pornography. As with any harmful private behaviour, the best approach for parents is to love, inform, motivate, and positively influence.
Parents need to be there with grace and support when negative consequences arise, as one of their child’s most ongoing, helpful and understanding advocates. Let your young person know that if they ever do want to stop, you are there to help.
Secular resources
2016 Barna Research American research including reasons why teens see porn use as acceptable
Your Brain on Porn: addictive brain changing impact of viewing porn
TED talk Why I stopped watching porn – compelling and clear
Two Main Harms of Porn –brain reward centre and porn-induced erectile dysfunction effects – Huffington Post
Faith-based resources
Fight the New Drug harmful effects of porn including the sexual function, mental health and societal impacts
Harms of Pornography Documentary – a Christian activist, educator and psychologist talk about the harms of internet porn usage: Eternity news
Culture Reframed provides research driven education to prevent, resist and heal the harm of pornography
Pornography and Masturbation in Men of Honour by Glen Gerreyn
Pornography and Violence analysis of the causal link between viewing porn and aggressive attitudes and actions towards women by Melinda Tankard Reist
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Information, questions and ideas are sometimes quoted in exact form or in concept from many of the resources listed at the end of each section.
While some teenagers are able to stop using porn when they are convinced of its harmful effects, others find they are unable to.
If this is your child, they might:
- need to understand that their compulsion is caused by brain chemistry changes like any other addiction,
- have challenges with other types of impulse control, like gaming, gambling or alcohol,
- have issues such as depression, anxiety or loneliness, and if so, this should be addressed first,
- experience distress, guilt (about what they are doing), shame (about who they think are), hopelessness, embarrassment and remorse,
- experience certain pay off or benefits, like tension release,
- have specific situations that trigger porn use,
- need to know there is understanding grace, forgiveness and healing.
If you understand compulsive or addictive behaviour generally, and porn compulsion in particular, this will be helpful for facing the situation.
Unlike harmful behaviours like substance abuse, compulsive video gaming or gambling, sexuality is not to be managed by being permanently avoided. Sexual desires and urges need to be befriended and well-managed so they can be enjoyed healthily and fully at the right time with the right person.
To support your child in shifting their compulsive habit, you can help them:
- Clean up their computer. Get rid of any saved porn;
- Set up an internet filter, and remove all porn apps (including hidden ones);
- Think of and write down clearly their values—what kind of a person they want to be: free, respectful, loving, sexually functional;
- Spend free time with friends or family, or doing something they like;
- Use positive reinforcement instead of negative, give themselves a reward when they don’t watch porn;
- Identify triggers – situations, feelings, people, visuals and remove or avoid where possible. If not possible learn and practice mindful choice of other actions;
- Pick up a new positive habit or hobby, such as exercising; use energy to contribute to community. What you feed grows, what you starve dies;
- Have an accountability buddy, especially for the first month of quitting;
- Establish how to manage sexual urges;
- Refer to programs, ideas and apps for breaking a porn addiction and choose whichever one fits best with their values and needs;
- Seek professional counselling if the problem continues. The most effective treatment interventions often include Cognitive Behaviour Therapy CBT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ACT or 12 Step AA processes. Our list of counsellors may be a good place to start.
If you do not feel comfortable going through these with your child then giving a list such as this to them to read or an article with similar principles could be a place to start. Alternatively, a respected trusted friend, relative, mentor or suitable and vetted church worker could take them through similar steps. If there is someone who has successfully navigated this challenge whom you know well and trust they could be asked to speak with your child.
If the self-help or amateur approach is not working, assistance from your family doctor can be helpful in dealing with porn compulsion and addiction. If your child is too embarrassed to go to the doctor you could visit on their behalf and get some advice. Your doctor will recommend the best way forward: whether individual or family therapy is required or if other resources may be helpful. IN an Australian context, the doctor can provide a Mental Health Care Plan which can include up to 10 Medicare-subsidised visits to a mental health specialist professional.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Information, questions and ideas are sometimes quoted in exact form or in concept from many of the resources listed at the end of each section.
Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. Song of Songs 8:4
One of the best safeguards against the harmful effects of online pornography and the desire for children to use porn to learn is an education that is:
- comprehensive
- relationally based
- parent initiated
- values based
- ‘drip fed’
The following subjects might be difficult or embarrassing to communicate with your child. However, these topics need to be addressed at some time; either by your child’s school, books, seminar, a mentor, youth group, online resources or by you.
You cannot assume that a school will address sexuality in a way that is consistent with your beliefs and values.
Holistic sexuality education includes age-appropriate, values-immersed information about:
The birds and the bees
- Male and female sexual anatomy using correct terms
- Puberty changes in male and female including physical and emotional changes, such as periods, sexual urges, wet dreams, masturbation
- Body changes, body variation, body image, respect and acceptance
- Healthy sexual desire, urges, attraction, affection and the difference between lust and love
- Mechanics of sexual activity, including:
- different types of kissing
- petting
- mutual masturbation
- oral sex
- anal sex
- sexual intercourse
- The best contexts and partners for sexual activity—when married to a carefully chosen partner, noting that not everyone shares this view of sex, and it is common to have a recreational, consumeristic view of sex
- The meaning of sex being:
- expression of commitment
- bonding
- giving and receiving pleasure
- procreation
- Not all people have the same views on the meaning of sex
- How conception occurs
- the practicalities of child birth with values commentary on when this is best and with whom
- Gender and sexual identity LGBTIQ information and values commentary
Health, safety and relationships
- Skills and strategies for sexual protection and personal safety, including:
- how to interpret uncomfortable feelings
- telling someone what has happened no matter how bad it might seem
- ‘okay’ touching and ‘not okay’ touching
- good secrets and bad secrets
- The age of consent (sixteen years old in the 1901 Australian Crimes Act) is not a recommendation for when sex is best, but a historic protection for girls from early marriages
- Sober, verbal consent: what does it mean? What does it look like?
- sexual assault, rape and the law
- Pre-determine sexual boundaries as arousal and excitement can reduce decision making capacity and consequence evaluation ie
- How to say No and respecting No from others
- alcohol’s powerful effect on sexual inhibition, arousal and capacity or desire to set sexual boundaries
- The risks associated with sexual activity being filmed and posted, being used for revenge or blackmail
- Similarities and differences in male and female experiences of pleasure in sexual activity
- Information about fertility, what it is and what contributes to infertility (age, infections, drug usage).
- Realities of IVF, including cost, likelihood of success and emotional impact. Pros and cons of embryo freezing.
- Abstinence from genital sexual activity is only 100% way to avoid pregnancy
- Contraception methods for minimising the chance of pregnancy, like condoms, the pill, IUD, implants, rhythm method, and withdrawal. Condoms and the pill combined is recommended as the best method of lessening chance of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.
- Consequences of unintended pregnancy, most choose between abortion or keeping the child, paternity tests, financial maintenance obligation one is 18
- Major sexually transmitted infections: chlamydia, HPV, syphilis, AIDs
- how STIs are contracted: transfer of any genital fluids including intercourse, oral and anal sex, many lack symptoms, effects short and long term including infertility, sexual health checks regularly and with new partners
- Abstinence the only 100% method for not contracting STIs
- Benefits and limitations of condom usage for protection against STIs
- The emotional bonding effects of committed sexual activity alongside the harmful mental and spiritual health effects of sexual abuse and premature and promiscuous sexual activity
- Prostitution and sex slave trafficking
- Internet pornography
- Principles of wise partner choice: taking time, being friends, communication, problem solving, values and beliefs alignment
- Major reasons for divorce, affects, statistics: domestic violence, infidelity, financial issues, pornography and gambling addiction
- Romantic competence skills—forming and maintaining intimate relationships, communication, empathy, kindness, mutuality and conflict management
- Instruction for young adulthood and challenges at university and the workplace, like sexual harassment, meeting people with different sexual history and expectations
The mostly web-based resources below outline the specifics of what to try to teach, when to do so and more details about the above information.
How should I talk to my child about sexuality?
- Convey sex as normal, healthy and good
- Curiosity about one’s body, sexual feelings and how it all works is positive
- Your child must know they can come to you with any questions
- If you don’t know, try to find out.
- Remember your own sexual history and think of what you would have benefited from knowing; how and when you would have liked this to be communicated. What would you say to your younger self is a good place to start in thinking about your children
- Talk soon and often, rather than a foreboding Sex Talk. Use teachable moments when children ask a question, and even if you’re embarrassed, try to give a reasonable and age-appropriate answer to establish sexuality as a potentially great part of life.
- If child asks you a question, ask them:
- what they know about the subject already
- what they think
- what made them think of this question
When should I talk to my child about sexuality?
- Be open to conversations in response to suggestive songs, stories on the news, something that has happened to a friend or relative, or scenes in a TV show.
- Teach facts about sexuality, but include your own values and standards, giving reasons for them.
- From time to time, ask questions to find out how much they know, ask what they are being taught at school and what their friends are doing or saying
How do I set boundaries?
- Be clear with sexual boundaries, standards and expectations and give reasons for them.
- Listen and respond to your child’s questions about your standards and try to make the conversation ongoing.
- Communicate that boundaries and limitations are for protecting them from others, and to contain their own urges and desires
- Model the values and behavior you are advocating; especially with regards to respectful relationships and fidelity
- Communicate that one’s sexual activities can affect other areas of their lives, such as their physical health and academic focus
- Consider goals in the sphere of relational intimacy, for example, if they want the possibility of having children, they might consider that activities in adolescence can impact the likelihood of this being achieved, through contracting a sexually transmitted infection
- Many aspects of an adolescent’s cognitive development (pre-frontal cortex part of the brain not yet fully developed for evaluating consequences of actions especially when excited and with peers) and psycho-sexual development (the stage of identity establishment better precedes formation of intimate attachment) provide good reasons for delaying sexual activity
- Comprehensive sex education which advocates abstinence as the best option for school age children and young people also teaches about contraception and protection. This approach has supports delayed sexual activity and a reduction in the number of partners. It does not hasten or increase sexual activity
What do I do if my teenager crosses these boundaries?
- If your teenager crosses the sexual boundaries you have recommended and even after discussion is determined to continue, seek to respond with respect and love.
- Try to understand the reasons they are acting this way and how they are managing realities like contraception, protection and possible pregnancy plan.
- Ensure they have all these properly in place so the situation does not become more complicated.
- If there is space for conversation, respectfully outline your concerns regarding this choice including physical, practical, emotional and spiritual concerns. If they are in physical difficulty (with pregnancy or disease), or emotional pain (depression or anxiety) respond with compassion and work with them to remediate the situation.
- If they want to make changes, respond with grace and wisdom and devise a plan with them for moving forward.
Secular material
Talk Soon, Talk Often guide for parents talking to kids of all ages about sex. WA. Department of Health
Raising Children Network Sexuality education at all ages Aust. Gov. Department of Social Services
La Trobe University Sexual Health Research 2013 Australian teen sexual activity
Teen Sexuality Issues Victorian Govt. Better Health Channel
ReachOut Australia Sexual health information
Headspace National Mental Health Foundation
Sex, Sexuality and Gender LGBTIQ secular information and perspectives
PFLAG Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
Comprehensive Sex Education United Nations
Sex Ed Rescue comprehensive resources for discussion and education
Teaching Consent to Children SMH news
Protective Behaviours WA skills and strategies for preventing and reducing child abuse including sexual abuse
About Last Night Sydney Morning Herald article on children’s basic sex education
Educational Seminars: Glen Gerreyn, David Kobler, Liz Walker, Merilyn Buckley
Youth Wellbeing Project Holistic Relationship and Sexuality Education
Faith Based Resources
Love, Sex and Dating 4-part podcast and video series by Andy Stanley
Teen Sex by the Book by Dr Patricia Weerakoon
Growing up by the Book Answering sex, relationships, gender and identity questions for 10-14-year-olds by Dr Patricia Weerakoon
Birds and the Bees by the Book a series to assist parents of 7-10-year-olds talk about sex, relationships, gender and identity by Dr Patricia Weerakoon
Pornography and Masturbation in Men of Honour by Glen Gerreyn
Youth Works Fervr helpful ideas on sex, dating and pornography
Pure Intimacy Focus on the Family resources for developing healthy sexuality
Sex Education Seminars: Glen Gerreyn, Patricia Weerakoon, David Kobler,
Sexual Intelligence Sexagon: Sexuality and Relationship Education seminars for parents, teachers and high school students with Merilyn Buckley
Youth Wellbeing Project Holistic Relationship and Sexuality Education
http://yourchoicez.com.au/ Seminars for students, parents and teachers around the topics of sex, dating and relationships, creating an atmosphere of empathy in the school and home for young people.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Information, questions and ideas are sometimes quoted in exact form or in concept from many of the resources listed at the end of each section.
